It's way past 9pm

Friday Missive: April 25, 2025

Now listen, I’m not going to sit here and tell you how tired I am this week (not because I’m not, but because I’m tired of saying it — just assume I’m exhausted and move on), instead I’m going to write you a proper fun newsletter. Big promise to make at 10:39pm on a Thursday night but here we go.

It was my birthday last weekend, as you all surely know, which means this has been a super chill week of me reevaluating my relationship with every single aspect of my life. Maybe it’s an indicator of growth or maybe it’s an indicator of exhaustion, but I’m emerging from this evaluation feeling way less inspired, motivated, ready to change my life than I usually do. I haven’t made a single pinterest board. It’s been *deep sigh* yeahhh I need to get back in the gym so I can build up muscle before it gets harder… Well, guess it’s time to refocus on good sleep habits now that I’m not traveling… Yep, I was feeling better when I was eating more protein, time to get back on the train… Recommitting to being disciplined about the things you already know work just doesn’t have the same internal pizazz as making big bold goals for the year. Sure, it’s good, but it’s not interesting.

So of course I’ve gone questing for more interesting questions. I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of beauty culture philosophy and thinking about performing beauty norms and my relationship with aging. That got me thinking about the way I show up on line, the photos I will and won’t post, and whether true authenticity is achievable or desired. This of course got me thinking about the line between public and private, and what it would feel like to not have a public image. Would I feel like I was wasting my youth and beauty if “no one” (ie people who weren’t actually physically around me) saw it? What would it be like to live in an era when you never saw yourself save for in some very terrible mirror, or a puddle on a calm day? How differently would I move through the world if I wasn’t feeling so goddamn perceived all the time? Am I addicted to attention? I’m definitely addicted to my phone, how do I stop that? Is it possible to balance this — documenting, sharing, posting — with actually living in the moment?

I’m sorry, did I promise you a fun newsletter? I’m spiraling over here.

So many parts of my life are about to change. Leaving California feels like a true before and after moment. It’s such a hard reset, such a fresh start, that it feels overwhelming in its possibilities. When I moved to California I had no plan, and as such, California shaped me with very little of my own input. It was covid, we were necessarily online all the time, I did a bunch of work I hated which drove me towards distractions, I got laid off, I burned out over and over, I’ve just been… surviving whatever is in front of me for 5 years. But now I’m starting over, with some semblance of a longterm plan, and I’m desperate to get it right. All the big questions I haven’t had the resources to answer here are bubbling up — who do I want to be? What do I want my life to look like?

Guys, truly. Spiraling. It’s 11:33pm now. You know how they say you shouldn’t trust any of your thoughts past 9pm? Well, we’re well past 9pm.

Anyways, the point I was going to make (point? More like the vaguely discernible corner of my thoughts) is that with this fresh start chance I’m feeling a lot of pressure to know what I want going in, so that I won’t just be buffeted by the winds of whats-in-front-of-me like I was here. I’m afraid that if I don’t have a plan for “the kind of person I want to be” I’ll just become whoever the place makes me. And this is supposed to be a forever place, so what if I’m not happy with who the place makes me? When am I supposed to start over?

Ok that was definitely the 11:38pm talking. We’re being a little dramatic. These are all things I’m thinking about a lot right now, even in my daylight hours, but the reality is that it’s going to be fine. And daylight-hours-Grace knows that. We’re all shaped by place and what’s in front of us to some degree, we can always course correct, and we can always start over. God, I can’t believe I said “fun newsletter” and then wrote this hellish piece of panic. And honestly I’m so deep in the overthink I can’t even come up with a silly random thing to end this with. I just tried, but they all feel forced, trite, or nonsense.

Currently internally debating do I have dinner and go to bed later… or skip dinner for the extra sleep? My eyes are all gritty, but also I haven’t had real dinner yet. It has to be dinner right? Even if it’s just instant noodles or something (clearly my protein game could use some work currently).

Ok decision made. Noodles.

I’m actually so sorry for the way this turned out. Usually I feel good about my missives, even the random ones, but I feel genuinely a bit bad pouring this all out on you. It was not fun, and I’m sorry I lied to you. Also, for the record, I’ve been reading this whole thing in an english accent while I’ve been writing it. Like specifically a northern english accent. No idea why. But if you want to go back and read it that way in your head, you can get an even better sense of my current mental state.

I also absolutely will not be going back and reading this, so please excuse any/all spelling and/or grammar issues. I’m feeling much less spiral-y now and I’m afraid reading it over will send me down the funnel again.

Now more than ever, thank you so much for being here.

xoxo,

PS: 11:54pm, not even midnight yet!